Common Parenting Questions: Defiance

“How do I deal with my defiant child without yelling? I know he’s just pushing boundaries, but it drives me nuts.”

A child’s defiance is probably the one thing that will set a parent’s temper flaring more than anything else. Although it is often our first instinct to respond with harsh discipline to curtail the defiance, this may not always be the most effective response. Before responding, consider if there might be an underlying cause for their defiance. Do they feel like they have no control in this situation? If so, perhaps offering them age-appropriate choices might help. 

Another issue to consider is if this type of defiance tends to be a characteristic of their temperament. Are they typically strong-willed in their interactions? This would be helpful to think about so you can approach situations in a new way. Strong-willed children tend to respond better to parents when they feel connected and heard. If you can connect emotionally with your child before asking a request of them, it often goes more smoothly.

Using positive language with children can also help overcome some defiance. Instead of frequently saying “no,” “stop,” or “don’t” to children when they are defiant, try to tell children what you do want them to do instead. For example, if your child is being too loud, instead of saying, “stop being loud,” you could try, “quiet voices, please.” Using positive language can often be a helpful strategy when children are expressing a lot of defiance.

Staying calm in the face of defiance and not losing your temper is a separate challenge that many parents experience. Here are a few ideas that can help you maintain your patience:

• Take a Break: If you feel your emotions running high when your child is defiant, it can be helpful to simply take a break and walk away. You can explain to your child why you are leaving (so they don’t think you are ignoring them), but this can offer you an opportunity to calm down. Once you have calmed yourself, you have a better chance of responding effectively rather than yelling.
• Understand Your Triggers: We hear the word “triggers” commonly when discussing parenting. However, it is helpful to understand what it really means. When you feel “triggered,” it simply means that you respond to the situation in a way that emotionally exceeds its demands. In other words, an interaction with your child that is seemingly “small” occurs, and you have an “over the top” emotional reaction to it. This can occur when the interaction brings up events and emotions from your own childhood or past trauma. Uncovering your triggers can involve some emotional work, but it’s helpful to understand why you react to certain situations as you do. If you can address these emotional needs and understand them, you will be more likely to stay calm in future interactions.

Children’s defiance can be very challenging for parents. However, if we approach the situation in a mindful rather than reactive way, we can often create a better relationship with our child.